The Poop Rant

.....
....when a person first has kids, poop suddenly becomes a big issue in your life.
.....I mean, as a girl, I spent most of my life (along with most girls) trying to act as if I didn't poop because it was just soooooooo embarrassing. Then you have kids & suddenly poop is everything.
.....For instance, if you're a woman & you bear the children yourself, the poop issue begins with pregnancy because pregnancy & constipation are BFF's. Then, if you're lucky like me, your kid poops in the amniotic fluid & when your water breaks it comes out, well, poopy. Then you change your kids diaper for the very first time & the poop is black & sticky & freakin' scary!
.....After that it's a full-time job trying to clean up poop without getting it on anything else (like you, the floor, the walls, the pets!) but the wet wipes. Then there's that early age where they discover their hands + their diaper = their hands will fit in their diaper & the stuff they find on their hands that came from the diaper works just as well as any poster paint their parents gave them when it comes to the walls, their toys, their crib, their face...
.....I remember that time I found little purple balls in one of my girls' diaper & freaked out! Found out later that my husband had fed her blueberries earlier. FYI, like corn, they don't digest well unchewed. And then there's that horrific realization that your kid just swallowed a ____(penny/button/action figure gun/pen cap/etc.)____ & you get flashbacks to Jr. High school when you had to dissect an owl pellet, except this is a little fresher.
..... Okay, then when your child becomes mobile, they will follow you into the bathroom. This doesn't stop. My oldest is 5 & she still follows me in saying, "Eew mommy, it's stinky in here." So I tell her to leave & she says, "No, it's okay!"
.....Or how about when your child is majorly constipated & you have to give them a suppository; yeah, that's one little spelunking incident that still gives me the chills.
.....And don't forget, nothing says love like having to fish a turd from the bathtub I'll tell you that.
.....Plus, as they do get old enough to talk, they come up with crazy poop stuff on their own. My oldest didn't know what was happening to her one day & yelled to me because "squishy-poop" was coming from her butt. My youngest, still in diapers, demands that I tell her what color it is every time I change her! She actually asks, "Mommy, is mine poopies gween oh bw'own oh yeh'woh?" One time I had to tell her orange... she was thrilled.
.....Is it hard? Is it round? Is it like marbles? Is it runny? Is it so fowl that you can taste it when you breathe through your mouth? Is it technicolor? Is it still coming out? Is it ever going to stop because you just freakin' changed 4 diapers in 5 minutes & whose is that pile on the floor over there?!?!
.....They say, "Goodbye mommies poopies," when you flush the toilet. They say, "My poopoos hurts my butt!" when they're constipated. They say, "Where's grandpa? Is he going poop?" when they can't locate someone & automatically assume that any time away from their line of site is time being spent in the bathroom.
.....Close the bathroom door... why? Don't start a sentence with, "Mommy, remember when your poopies..." in the grocery store line... why not? Waddle out of the bathroom during Thanksgiving and ask the closest relative to help wipe your butt because your arm was getting tired from all searching... shame?... what's shame?
.....Color. Texture. Frequency. Quantity. Quality?
.....I kid you not my friends, you will discuss that texture, frequency, etc. thing on the phone with your husband/wife. You will compare (if not out loud, then at least in your head) the poop of your last child with the poop of your current child. Your kids will ask if they can see your poop before it swirls away forever. And when you return from work, they will tell you about their Tale of 2 Poopies... because it was the best of times & it was the worst of times...
.....Poop is a joke. Poop is a relief. Poop is an insult. Poop is an emergency. Poop is an official color whether it's being used to describe dirt, ice-cream or, "dat ladee's hair!" (said at the top of the lungs, complete with pointing finger) or... poop.
.....If someone had told me when I was 18 that someday I would have a rapt audience in the bathroom with me as I refunded that bad Taco Bell from the night before, I would have not only laughed at the insanity of it, but also at the impossibility of anything like that even coming close to being true. Then, you have kids, and suddenly poop becomes a big issue in your life.
.....And if it's 3:00am and it's "your turn" when the new baby starts crying for a clean diaper, it has just become the biggest issue.